Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
