I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Panties = found
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
