I haven't been this sober since birth.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize