I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
