i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
