I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
