I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
