She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
His nipple licking is glorious
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