every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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