Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
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