Your face is a jimmy john
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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