The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
