I want to walk on stilts...naked
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize