Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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