Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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