Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize