I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
