ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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