I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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