Moan for me like Helen Keller
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
