i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
