My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
