I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
