don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just gift wrapped bread.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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