He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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