I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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