hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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