Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
