I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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