I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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