I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize