my phone needs a breathalizer
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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