atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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