turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When did angry sex become our thing?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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