Michael Bay diarrhea
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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