My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
