The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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