This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
