so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
