So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
