Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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