Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize