I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
