Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
