Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
