i was born a porn star she said
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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