I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
