my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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