I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
