A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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