I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize