I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Oh god it's open bar.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
