Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
