HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
