The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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