i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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