you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
