my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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