What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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