apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
