Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
